I ping Jay via email again with the meeting link and reminding him how desperately I would like him to look at the script. Because the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.
I did a mother fucking deeeeeep dive on this guy. I wanted to know his favorite food, what color he hated, how many times a day he washes his hands. I got about 3 hours into his audio book. Watched a bunch of interviews and podcast. I was studying him. Trying to pick up on ticks. The writers said it was obvious he was uncomfortable and I wasn’t picking up on it. I was ready to write a term paper on Jay Mohr. I knew because of Google that he had a YouTube live with some Film Festival an hour before my call time. I figured I would watch see what kind of mood he was in, if he was running late I wouldn’t panic because I would know why. Annnnnd I was pretty wound up. I just wanted this to be over. I tune in at 6pm Chicago time. I have asked Jay to log into Zoom at 7:30pm Chicago time (5:30pm L.A. time). I am punching up jokes with his video thing in the background. It hasn’t started at 6:15pm. I get a text from his assistant saying “I can’t get a hold of Jay, I wanted to give you a heads up.” at 6:45pm They start the live stream and say “Sorry our special guest Jay Mohr won't be here tonight.” I text Jay:
Hey (retracted) said she can’t get a hold of you are you good for tonight?
I then slide into the group chat and say:
Guys, I dont’ know what is going on. Jay’s assistant can’t get a hold of him and he just ghosted some film festival YouTube live.
Immediately the girls say what I am thinking. “I hope he is ok.” I started shaking. I told the group I can’t stop shaking. I texted Jay:
Hey buddy I am starting to worry. I saw you missed that YouTube thing. Can you at least me know if you are safe? Or need anything.
Sidestep. I have a story I am not ready to tell the world yet. Please don’t ask me about it. But here is what you need to know for the next part to make sense. On May 1, 2019 I had the worst day of my life. Someone I love tried to take their own life…and said it was because of me. All you need to know is this person is doing great, healthy, and got help. But no one knows this about me least of all Jay. Except for Mia and Sommer. Mia text me:
Do you wanna chat before the show. Are you shaken?
She knew. My PTSD from that event was about to kick in HARD. I was outside smoking. I switched between FaceTiming and calling Jay every few seconds. I started crying. I text his assistant:
Hey, have you heard from Jay. No biggie he can’t do the show I just want to make sure he is ok. Can you let me know?
My group chat is popping. Everyone is either trying to figure out new bits or the guys are shitting on Jay Mohr trying to make us feel better. My watch keeps pinging. I can’t look at it. I am dizzy. I text Jay:
Maybe your phone is dead is what I am going with.
Now I am really fucking worried about you
If you need to bail no problem but please let me know you are ok
Wanna hand job?
What can I say to get you to reply
I opened the zoom room its’ just me for another 40 min if you need to talk.
Just please let me know you are ok when you see this.
I’m worried about you
I am a mom I can’t help it.
I was fully shaking and sobbing. We were about 30 min out of the show. Marz got off stage and jumped in the Zoom call to talk me down. I just kept repeating “I just want him to be ok” My husband grabbed me squarely by the shoulders and said
Jay Mohr is not dead. You did not kill Jay Mohr. He is a 50 year old grown ass man. He prolly lost track of time. And if he is dead there is nothing you can do about it so go have a good show.
I love him. The last part was not helpful. I opened my bottle of wine so I could down a glass to try to stop the shaking. I went back out for a smoke and cold air on my face. I came back up tougher. I was ready. Fuck it. I am just going to call, facetime him, and text one more time. Maybe also an email because he is 50…so. I text Jay:
Please I will never contact you again, I just want to know you are ok
Yeah, took a nap.
My body does a final convulsion as I now know he is alive…and an afternoon napper. I send him back
You gave me a heart attack
I am glad you are ok
Should we assume you can’t make it
I am glad your ok
I want’ him so badly to come into that Zoom room so I could yell at him about what a fucking asshole I thought he was at that moment. What he just emotionally put me through that he didn’t know about or have any control over. I knew he wasn’t coming.
I bucked up, and we started the show. I texted Jay:
We just started…we know your out. Just wanted to let you know.
I don't’ know, I was still coming down from shaking and the wine was starting to kick in and I wanted him to watch. I wanted him to watch and laugh and do the show. I wanted him to pop into the Zoom chat in the middle and ask to join.
I wanted him to pay attention to me.
We finished the show with a bunch of out of place Jay Mohr jokes. Nicole stayed on the call with me because everyone else had virtual gigs they had to get to. I cried really hard. She told me it was ok. I felt terrible. And DRUNK.
My husband had missed most of the action and fell asleep likely at the top of the show. What can I say he is a charmer that McMahon. He slithers off to bed and I grab another glass of wine that I did not need. I put together this final Text:
To end this I just want to emphasize again…I am so glad you are ok. No need to reply…I was…obviously worried. Sorry. Stay safe J and thanks for crossing my path.
Well I better send him an email too…ya know cause he is 50.
So, to do an end monologue to this whole thing….I for at least an hour before the show thought the worst. I am a Sicilian middle-aged Chicago Mom it is in my DNA to think the worst. Things I wanted to say to you tonight: I am so sorry for texting so much. I HATE being that girl. But my writers put me in my head SO MUCH about how mean I was to you last week. I get it, I am a pleaser too. You were saying “all the right things” to me on Saturday because you felt bad for upsetting me. Honestly, I just didn’t want to look back at this time and say “Remember when we hung out with Jay Mohr and gave him a panic attack” that wasn’t how I want’ the story to end. When (his assistant)said she couldn’t get a hold of you and you weren’t on that YouTube film fest show I thought the worst. I realized I didn’t give a shit if you were on the show or not I just needed to know if you were safe. The thing is J I shook and cried a lot thinking the worst. So I went into text overdrive. Some of it is PTSD from other people in my life trying to kill themselves…that is NOT your fault obviously. I am just some FanGirl that weirdly in a pandemic got your attention for a second. I get that. I just want you to know…I don’t give two shits that you didn’t do the show…I am just so happy that you are ok. Or at least that you told me you were ok. So someday I will write my new one-woman show called “I almost killed Jay Mohr” and hopefully it will be funny. Thanks for crossing my path. I am grateful.
PS NO NEED TO RESPOND. I got you.
To date that was the last time I contacted him. I will prolly tag him in this thread. But that's it. Get it out of my head and move on. He never replied.
Next post is just a wrap up of thoughts. This is pretty much the end of the story for now.