That one time I almost killed Jay Mohr (part 7)

TEXTING

I text Jay once on Saturday after our call:

HAHAHAHA the girls are all fighting over who gets to do the show with you. You might have an all female cast.

Side Step. This is the moment my whole thing falls apart. From this moment forward I am going to be pushy, hysterical, and generally the hottest mess of a person. So buckle up cause I am gonna try to be as honest as I can. It’s gonna get ugly folxs and fast.

Let me tell you a few things about this one text. It is 100% true. I was trying to figure out casting and we are all chatting in the chat. I get off the phone with Jay and drop in our chat to catch everyone up. This is a place where we all bullshit together all week. It is really nice actually to get a bit fest out of nowhere in the middle of all this trash world. So Jay Mohr bits start flying. Mostly making fun of my Daddy stuff, and the fact that if you look at Anna’s face in any of the pictures she is starting at him with the hugest smile on her face. Annnnd Sommer just moved to L.A. so she is actually closest to him. Marzy jumps in shakes the room and reminds us all he is with us. We all laugh and I text Jay. Why?

Because I don’t know I thought we were those kinds of friends now. The kind of friend that you text your every thought to. The one you send memes to, and check in with.

WHY? You have known this guy for four days total. Why do you think you are pals? He had a panic attack on your show. A panic attack you probably caused (remember this for later). WHY DO YOU THINK YOU ARE FRIENDS?

Ok, I get it. Part of me desperately wanted to get that rush of attention I had been feeling. Also a part of me wanted to be friends with a celebrity.

Kevin Reome is the closest thing to what I am talking about. He is actually in real-life best friends with Tina Fey. Like their families go on vacation and stuff. Kevin was directing my last one-woman show and Tina would just text him “Hey whatca working on?” and even though I was the only other person in the room he would announce “It’s Tina” like no big deal my bestie is a celebrity.

I was actually proud of myself for not texting him again…until Sunday.

Congrats on the Laker win.

There, casual. Acknowledge you know about his interest, like a good friend. His girlfriend just had a huge moment in her life becoming the first Female NBA owner to win a championship. Super slick McMahon. Just being a good friend.

I actually get all the way through Monday without thinking much of Jay. I mean I did, but I was also busy. So no text Monday.

Tuesday morning I have a Zoom call with a TV producer who is interested in helping pitch the show around. We have only talked twice but I am very excited to learn everything from him and his wife. They pop on the call and kind of give it to me.

“Doesn’t matter if they are a celebrity everyone needs a rehearsal. You have got to get him into a rehearsal. The show can not go like that again.”

Well fuck ok. I get off the call and text Jay:

Hey what do you say big guy, got 15 min tonight or tomorrow I can video chat with you and play the game a bit?

There, even though he specifically said he didn’t need a rehearsal you are being a good producer and offering him one. He does not text back. I like a few Tweets to see if I can get his attention. No dice. I text him Wednesday. Now remember my Writers are still going to meet with me for the first time later today. I text:

Good morning sunshine, do you think I could pester you for a 10 min video call? You can time me.

There, two good producer texts. Slightly flirty but not over the top. You should drop it now. I meet with my therapist. She can tell how anxious this is all making me. She says…”maybe just text the assistant and ask for a video call. Then I say drop it, you made your offer clear.” I liked this plan. I texted his assistant:

Hey, any way I could grab Jay for a 15 min video call sometime before Friday? I just want to make sure he feels good about the show and the tech.

She does not reply to this text. I meet with my afternoon writers and we talk over everything. Bits I never got to, stuff we can still pull, how the intermission game went. Now my afternoon writers seem to always give me notes in the way of “No big deal, take it or leave it, still love me Mommy” It’s usually very cute how they don’t want to hurt my feelings. A few of them bring up how hard we roasted Jay. How uncomfortable he looked. How I seemed to be making it all worse. How this was a big deal for all of them to get a writing credit on a show that Jay Mohr was on.

I let them down. I let Jay down. I should have had a rehearsal, I should have googled the guy. I should have punched up not down. Fuuuuuuk. I text Jay:

Hey, can I send you something…nothing creepy promise. Do you have like a PO Box for fans to send you shit? Is that a thing I just made up in my head?

There I pinged him. No biggie. I have a few of our merch masks. I will mail him one so he can throw it away in person. This is not that bad of a text. WAIT fuuuuuk he probably thinks I want to send him a script. FUCK CUCK MOTHERFUCK. I text Jay:

I should say it isn’t like a script…it’s a thank you gift.

Goddamit I hate myself right now. I get to my night writers' meeting. Now some of these folks are torn up about the show. “How could you treat him like that” “That was a big deal” “How could you not tell you were hurting his feelings” “This can not happen again” “Also stop texting him, he is going to think you are crazy”

Sigh. I get through the rest of the night without texting Jay. I may have liked a few Instagram posts.

THURSDAY OCT 15, 2020

The new version of Quiplash comes out today. I really am itching to see the new features. I grab my two laptops, my phone and my iPad and I log into the new Quiplash to play with features. Ahhhhh it lets us write the last round. I HAVE WANTED THIS FEATURE FOREVER!!! We had the worst workaround for this problem. I want to use this Friday. I have to have a quick reho. The cast would want one at the very least. I message the cast…New Quiplash who can reho today? Couple folks step up. I text Jay.

Did you know I am Sicilian? So this is me trying really fucking hard not to be an overwhelming nerurotic mess. Me and a couple of ladies are going to test out a new version of Quiplash today at 12:30 Chicago time.

I don’t know why I insist on making him do the time conversion. I assume if you are not in Chicago go fuck yourself.

It is an offline reho so we can test the new features. Lemme know if you wanna jump in.

The cast chats back and forth. We have to change the time. Damit guys, are you just fucking with me now. UGGGGGG. I text Jay:

Scratch that. we are doing 3:30 Chicago time (1:30 your time) if you are around …ok byyyyyye

See this time I converted the time for him. Jay text back:

Can I just use my address? PO Box seems like a little more work. I thought the show was every Friday, so I’m confused.

I replied

The show is every Friday

I get a notice that he is driving and has do not disturb on. Ok, sounds like a good time to do a text dump. I send:

We are doing a rehearsal today because a new version of the game came out. Yes you can use your address, I just thought you might not want to give some crazy lady your address so she can send you merch with a turkey leg on it.

Cool cool cool McMahon. Yeah know how they say “If someone tells you who they are believe them” well you just told Jay Mohr that you are crazy. Also deep down I don’t want his address. What if he ends up murdered and I was the last person he gave this address to and on the news all you see is the clip of me slow motion telling him to fuck himself. He text back

Who’s the cray lady??

Two question marks. How shall I interpret this for the rest of my life? I reply:

Me.

He replys

oh ok

I reply

Call if your up for a chat

I could not have felt like a bigger asshole at that moment. I so desperately wanted for the show to be good, for him to be prepared, for the writers and producer to be happy. What can I do, maybe text his assistant the PO box question. Get her talking. I bet he does have some fan mail PO box he doesn’t even know about. I write a note to myself: Google where to send Jay Mohr fan mail.

We jump on to a rehearsal call. Marz jumps on and I haven't see him in two weeks because he started getting gigs again. Mia, Sommer, Anna, and Elizabeth who was new to the show this week. YES I CAN’T STOP CHANGING THE SHOW. I decide I am going to record it AND say all the things I would want to say to him so he can hear it. We played one round, talked through features and decided we liked it enough to throw it in Friday. I text Jay:

Ok Big Daddy. I sent you an email with the script for the show and the rehearsals video from today. Let me know if you need anything before. See you 5:30pm Friday.

Oh yeah, I am pushing it. You see it right. I sent him the email with a link to the rehearsal, the Master Script with all the Quips, and A labeled link that said “Angie’s Nudes” with a winky face. But the nudes link would just go back to the script I so desperately wanted him to look at. I wondered if he looked at it at all. Maybe the script turned him off. Maybe me sending him an email that says I am sending him nude pictures and texting him five times a day made him think I am defiantly the next stalker in the making. I get it. I promise you I didn’t mean any of it that way. But with a step back can see it. I text Jay:

Ok last message…probably. The other comics don’t get the script in advance. So yes I am cheating for you. Just look if you want.

Narrators voice: it wasn’t the last text. Honestly, I hated this side of me. The desperate to please everyone side of me. It takes a lot out of me. I started to fantasize about the show being over and saying good night in that Zoom chat and having it be done already. I text Jay:

But Marz is in the lineup next week.

His phone tells me he is driving. Why did I send that to him. Well it was actually an accident hand to God. I was having some evening wine and I was texting a non comedy friends who loves the show. She asked if Marz was in this week. I think everyone really wanted to see Marz and Jay go head to head roast battle. I would have loved to see that. Marz is a much faster Improviser than I am, or prolly any of us. So of course I text Jay:

So sorry wrong text

Awsome got my first drunk text to Jay Mohr out of the way. Cool Cool Cool. I go to bed. I vow I will not text Jay again. Not before the show. I gave him everything to look at or not. To be as prepared as he could be. It was up to him if he wanted it.

I woke up to a text from his assistant asking for the Zoom link. I send it to her with a quick text:

Hey I sent Jay an email with the rehearsal video and master script if you wants to look at it no big deal or anything.

She replies that she will make sure he knows. Confirms the time and we done.

Nothing left to do but pace the rest of the day till showtime.

Angie McMahon is a Faculty Member at The Second City in Chicago where she teaches Stand Up, Storytelling, and Sketch Comedy writing. She hosts a weekly online