That one time I almost killed Jay Mohr (part 6)

Jay texted me:

Hey! Literally just seeing these all good!!!

Three exclamation marks. How can I read into this for the rest of my life? He continued:

My son walked in with a friend who was crying. My 1st instinct was their privacy then had to deal with kid/parent/transpo/bedtime and lost memory of everything I apologize. I had fun.

I replied:

Oh, sorry about your son. I thought we upset you. Glad that wasn’t it. But sorry about the crying kid.

He said:

Upset me? I don’t see how lol

Did Jay Mohr just LoL me in a text. I have so many mixed feelings right now that swing between “Ok Boomer” and “Ok Daddy” I replied again:

I thought we roasted you to hard

He texted back

You looked very cute in your pigtails.

I finished writing my text before I read his:

Or you were mad about the clip

He replied:

PUH-LEEEZ. 33 years grown in the same soil as Attell, Burr, Quinn, Chappell, Monsters of smack talk…you guys were kind.

I added a text heart to both messages. He replied:

But which message has the hugest heart

I say:

deep down you know

He says:

baby bunny

Side step. I think I will leave out any other flirty things we said. Gotta keep something for the spank bank. 😜

Jump down in the text a bit, he write:

In a group my default setting is crippling negative self talk about how obnoxious and annoying I sound. Honest. That’s the real reason I left. I had a panic attack. No kid stuff. I’ll call you.

I reply

Ok, I’m here.

WTF Ang, you didn’t Google the fucking guy? No, I didn’t. I did start listening to his book but didn’t get that far in, did a lite graze of his website and left the rest up to the writers. If I would have gone to I don’t know maybe is Wikipedia page I would have seen that he talks A LOT about having a panic disorder. He is a huge advocate for mental health and talks about it all the time….how the fuck did I miss this. I asked him if he was having a stroke while he was having a panic attack. Fuck me I am a special kind of asshole. The guy is coming on my show, I should have looked him up at least. Jesus Christ. I also suffer from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. This is the lowest moment…so far.

We talk for about 45 min. The stuff that frustrated him about the show: We were all talking over each other it was hard to hear and play off. He felt like he wasn’t getting laughs. He felt out of place. I throw out to him: If you ever want to do the show again we are here.

Now to me this leaves him an out. He can say, cool I will have my assistant let you know if I am ever free again. But no, he says:

Yeah, I will do the show Friday. Yeah, just tell my assistant. Check in later in the week cause I have my kid.

That was not how I expected this to go. He wasn’t to come on again? Right away? Sure, talk fast before he changes his mind.

Great should I text you Wednesday? Or Thursday? Do you want a rehearsal?

He replies:
No, I got this.

Then the phone clicked off.

I didn’t want to call him back. We had said everything we needed so I sent one more text:

Jay complimenting me again.

I’m cool. Mr. Teen Centerfold just said I was cool. I felt like I was in some weird T.V. show. Basically, after this call, all of the blood in my body rushed to my vagina and it started thumping. I pointed to my husband and said:

YOU MCMAHON, I need your dick in the other room right now or I am not gonna be able to walk around anymore today.

I think I will stop there for now.

Angie McMahon is a Faculty Member at The Second City in Chicago where she teaches Stand Up, Storytelling, and Sketch Comedy writing. She hosts a weekly online